sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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