thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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