I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
