so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
