i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
