remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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