On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
