Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
