all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
