I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
