i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
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i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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