the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
