Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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