well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I want to fling myself into the sun
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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