His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
