Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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