Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
