just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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