I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize