I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
