I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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