I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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