Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
