Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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