I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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