I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.