Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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