What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
