Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
