Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
