i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
