So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
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It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
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I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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