Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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