When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
