My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize