I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
