the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
