On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
