what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize