just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
