She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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