Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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