I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
