Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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