I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
