I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
