I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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