That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
