Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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