You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
