Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
