i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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