I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
