he shaved USA in his pubs
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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